She was as beautiful as ever when they laid her to rest. There were many people present in the burial; members of the Cronqvist family, friends and relatives, but Mathias had no strength left for guests. Leon could only watch his friend, worried. The condolences people offered to Mathias fell on deaf ears, as did their sharing of grief. The tactician sat still and stared into emptiness, and Leon thought that his friend could have just as well been as dead as Elisabetha was.

"Mathias?" He called to his friend quietly. "Aren't you going to at least..." He then trailed off. He knew better since he had been with Mathias ever since they had returned and heard the news. Mathias had collapsed completely and certainly didn't want to talk to anyone. "Maybe you should go get some rest?" He suggested carefully.

Leon got no response. He sighed, then patted Mathias on the shoulder before moving away to chat with the other mourners. Some of them tried to talk to Mathias, but soon found it to be useless. The afternoon passed and then came the evening, and Mathias did not move from where someone had carried him to sit after the funeral.

"I don't think he's taking it too well," Sara said to Leon after they had talked to some of Mathias' family members for a while. "Has he had that same blank expression on his face all day?"

Leon nodded. "I'm afraid so. I fear that he's not going to recover too soon..."

Sara shook her head as she looked at Mathias' direction. "Isn't there anything we could do? I... It hurts me too to know Elisabetha's never going to..." She paused, unable to continue. "But... We need to..."

The blond knight drew her closer and hugged her gently. "I know. And... No," he stopped to look at Mathias. "I really don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to be listening to anyone, and he barely even responds to me. I don't think he should be left alone tonight, though. I fear that he might..."

"Don't say things like that," Sara replied quickly. "But you're right. I'll take care of the guests and everything; you get him out of here. He is going to kill himself with his grief at this rate. Has he eaten anything the whole day?"

"Not as far as I know, and none of his family members seem to know either," Leon said. He lowered his face and shook his head. "Since I seem to be the only one he will react to at least to some level, I'll stay. Talk to his family and all for me? I can't let him continue that for any longer; I'm taking him to his room and forcing him to eat something even if it kills me."

Sara nodded. "Don't worry about anything. I'll tell the servants to bring food and then not to disturb him. Just... Get him to stop that. This..." She looked at the tactician sadly. "That's not Mathias; it's like he wasn't here at all."

Leon placed a short kiss on her forehead. "I promise. Take care of things for me and then go home. I wish I could be there for you, but..." He glanced at Mathias. "At least we're coping somehow. He's not, and I need to get him to snap out of that." He moved away from Sara. "I fear he'll never return to his old self again, but I can't just let him grieve himself to death. I promise I'll do what I can, though."

He turned away and walked to where Mathias sat; it appeared people had left him alone by now. Leon glanced over his shoulder and smiled as he saw how Sara went to talk to someone. It would be up to him to take care of Mathias, then. He focused, determined to prevent his best friend from degrading further into death.

He knelt next to the older man's chair and smiled gently. "Mathias," he started. "Enough of that. You can't just sit here. Let's go."

Mathias gave him no response, but he didn't care. Leon pulled his friend up from the chair and half dragged half carried him across the hall and to the corridor where Mathias' bedroom was. Mathias twitched in his hold then and mumbled something; Leon figured anything around the house reminded him of Elisabetha right now. He wanted to say something to comfort the other man but couldn't find the words, so he just carried Mathias to bed and laid him down.

"All right now," he stated, his voice calmer than he had expected himself to be capable of. "You're going to eat something now and then rest. I'm not letting you kill yourself like this, Mathias."

Leon ignored the lack of response and removed his friend's clothes. Mathias then mumbled something about being cold; the blond knight smiled and wrapped the older man into blankets. At least Mathias was showing some signs of life.

A servant knocked on the door then. Leon summoned him in, and the man entered, bringing a plate filled with food. The knight thanked him then sent him away and turned to Mathias. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached to stroke the tactician's hair gently.

"Just us now, Mathias. I have food right here, and I'm making sure you eat something now, okay?" he said with a calm and almost patronizing voice. "You can't go on like that."

Three hours later Leon had managed to get Mathias to eat something, even if it was only for a few bites. He cared to his friend as well as he could, and Mathias let him do so. The older man eventually seemed to have fallen asleep, and Leon sighed tiredly, smiling. He moved a chair by the window and sat there to watch the darkening night. The funeral was over, and the house was empty.

Sara stopped by shortly to tell him good night, and she smiled as she saw Mathias resting and appearing peaceful. She then left to go home, and Leon just sat there, staring outside.

He stopped to check on Mathias an hour later. The older man was awake; he sat on the bed, his back against the wall, and stared at the wall with the blank expression Leon had seen too much by now. He sighed, sat on the bed next to Mathias and reached to pet the tactician's dark hair gently.

"You need to rest," he said quietly. "I know you hurt, but you can't do that, Mathias. Please don't do this to yourself."

The only response he got was the all too familiar silence, which was becoming unbearable. Leon shook his head, determined to not let it get to him. He leaned to kiss Mathias on the forehead. He then forced the dark-haired man to lie back down and placed his hand over his eyes.

"Sleep, Mathias," he ordered.

A silent sigh escaped from the older man's lips; Leon then felt how Mathias closed his eyes. He stayed there for a while longer and waited until his friend's breathing turned peaceful. He smiled a little, relieved, and pulled the blankets over the older man again. He then returned to sit by the window, watched the darkness and listened to Mathias breaths. He felt like he had accomplished at least something and silently swore he would do anything to get Mathias over the sadness.

He woke up sometime later, not sure when he had dozed off. What had woken him made him jump up from his chair though and quickly make it to Mathias' side; the older man was crying out in his sleep, his distress clear. Leon grabbed his friend by the shoulders and shook him gently, not wanting to hurt him, but he had to get him to wake up.

"Mathias?" he called to him. "It's a dream, wake up... It's just a dream..."

The older man opened his eyes abruptly and mumbled something. He then stared at his friend for a moment, his gaze unfocused and filled with emotion Leon had never seen Mathias showing before. The blond wrapped his arms around the other man, and on that moment, something seemed to snap inside of the tactician, and he just leaned against Leon and wept.

"It's okay," Leon said quietly after a moment. He stroked the older man's hair gently while he held him. "It's okay, Mathias. I'm here..."

"She's gone," the dark-haired man mumbled, his voice angry and desperate. "Gone... All I ever wanted... dead."

Leon closed his eyes, lowering his face. "I know," he whispered. "And it hurts so much. It's okay to cry, Mathias... It's okay..."

"Gone," Mathias muttered. He grabbed Leon's arms and looked at the younger man's face in the darkness, his expression angered. "Why, Leon? Why did this have to happen? Why her? Why not me? Why did God have to punish her for my sins!"

"Mathias..." the younger man tried to appear calm, but he had to admit Mathias' sudden outburst worried him. "Don't say such things. There was nothing you could have done, and I'm sure it's not like that. The God we know would have never..."

Mathias cut him off by attacking him all of a sudden. Leon found himself straddled before he could have even thought about fighting back, and he stared at his friend, quite worried now. He had never seen Mathias act violent or abusive, but now... He raised his hands, trying to gently push the older man away, but he suddenly found the tactician's hands from his throat.

"Gh... M...Mathias...? Wh..." Leon tried to ask, but he found himself unable to breathe too well. He had to capture his friend's wrists and try to pull his hands away before the older man strangled him.

"Why?!" Mathias yelled, holding Leon down with a strength the blond had never known to exist. "Why does God have to take everything from me? He takes her away, and I'll be alone now!"

"No, you're not... Mathias!" Leon finally managed to free himself enough to be able to draw breath. He shook his head as he held the older man's wrists. "Calm down, please... Calm down. You're not alone, Mathias, I'm here. I know you're angry but..."

The tactician mumbled something unclear, then let go and pressed his head against Leon's shoulder. He was shaking, and the blond didn't really know what to do other than wrap his arms around Mathias and hold him. His throat hurt, but he decided not to care. He needed to get Mathias to calm down before he would end up hurting himself.

"Alone," Mathias mumbled. "God will take you away from me too, and I can't do anything. I can't..."

Leon closed his eyes and shook his head again. "That's not true. Listen to me, please. You're not alone, Mathias."

The older man didn't answer for a moment. He then raised his face, grabbed Leon by the jaw and kissed him deeply. The blond knight blinked, surprised, but he couldn't find the strength to push his friend away. Besides, he wasn't sure if that had been a good move; Mathias was clearly upset, and he was ready to do whatever it took to calm him down, even if he didn't consider this to be the best idea.

"M... Mathias?" He whispered between kisses, realizing the dark-haired man's hands were on his chest now and working on opening his shirt. "I really don't think we should..."

"Stay with me, Leon," Mathias mumbled at him, his voice desperate and almost frightening. Leon could only nod; he couldn't come up with a reply right then that wouldn't have sounded like he had not wanted to stay there.

The tactician grew frustrated with the shirt a moment later and just ripped it open, discarding the shredded garment to the floor and moving on to removing Leon's pants. The younger man just watched; there was nothing he could have done, and Mathias seemed to be beyond any reasoning. He didn't want it to happen like this but found himself slightly excited anyway. The tactician's touch always had a certain effect on him, even now when he didn't wish for it.

"Mathias, we can't..." Leon started as he watched the dark-haired man mostly destroy the rest of his clothing. "...You can't, not without the oil," he then mumbled, knowing he had no other way out of it except to give his friend do what he wished for. He reached to the side of the bed, to quickly search the cabinet next to the bed for the oil he knew Mathias kept there while his friend was already practically all over him.

The older man muttered something unclear, and Leon realized Mathias wasn't going to care. He quickly opened the bottle, poured some oil onto his fingers and slipped his hand between his legs, ignoring the fact that the dark-haired man was trying to kiss him. It was a miracle he managed to get it done; then, Mathias was already pushing his legs apart. The older man grabbed him by the thighs and entered him almost violently, sudden enough to make Leon cry out in pain.

"Nngh... Mathias...?" He squirmed under his friend and managed to find at least somewhat comfortable position. He wrapped his legs around the older man's waist and gritted his teeth. "...That hurts..."

"Leon... Leon... My Leon," Mathias mumbled, thrusting into the younger man, oblivious to the blond knight's complaint. He grabbed his friend by the hair and pulled his head up for a brutal kiss.

Leon closed his eyes, figuring anything he said would be ignored. Mathias had never been violent with him, and it felt weird, so wrong to be taken in such a way. Despite the pain and discomfort, he wrapped his arms around the older man's shoulders and responded to the kiss in an attempt to please Mathias. He was still determined to do something, just anything to make the dark-haired man feel better.

The lovemaking was far from what he was used to; while Mathias always took his time and tried to make sure Leon could get his release first, the older man was clearly too out of it to care about anything. The usual control was gone, and the dark-haired man's voice, whispering Leon's name over and over again between the kisses, was filled with despair.

"Mathias..." Leon whispered, stroking his friend's hair gently. The pain slowly left him and was replaced with the familiar feeling of warmth, that of Mathias holding him and moving inside of him. He clung to the older man, tears in his eyes, and pressed himself against the tactician's movements, for a moment forgetting about everything.

It was over so soon for them both. Mathias cried out Leon's name when he released; the younger man reached his climax just a moment later, also calling out his friend's name. Mathias then just fell on top of the blond and stayed there, mumbling to himself, and quietly pleading for Leon to not leave him. He fell asleep sometime later; Leon eventually had to get up to clean them both although he would have preferred to just lie still and sleep as well.

"I'm here," he whispered to the older man as he wrapped his arms around him. "I'll always be here for you, Mathias."

"How is he?" Sara asked while helping Leon to get his armor on in the guestroom of Mathias' house. The blond knight had stayed by his friend's side for a week, but word had come from the Church now; the company was needed on the battlefield again, with or without the tactician. Leon was to leave to meet with his men immediately.

The knight shook his head while securing his gauntlet. "Not good. The physicians say he's fallen ill from the grief. He can't fight in that condition, and it's not like I needed any healers' opinions - I wouldn't let him anywhere near a battlefield right now. I don't know what to do; I wish I could stay and watch over him, but..."

He trailed off and just finished with his armor, unable to continue. He silently prayed to God, wished he could have simply stayed by Mathias' side, but he had his duty. He suddenly didn't know if he could do it alone, but, at least he would have Sara waiting for him to come back home. Mathias had no one. The older man seemed to have also completely withdrawn himself from those surrounding him; he hadn't said many words to anyone during the days Leon had stayed, and he was barely responding to anything. It also appeared he didn't remember anything of the events of the night after the funeral.

Mathias needed time, Leon concluded. He would get over it eventually; he just needed the time to grieve and heal. In time, weeks or maybe months, the sadness would let go of the tactician, and things would be fine.

But for some reason, no matter how much Leon kept telling himself everything was going to be fine, he feared things would never return to what they had once been.

Author's notes:

Challenges are inspiring, as I've said before. Theme this time, "Death", so I took... this approach to the subject.

The things Leon would do for Mathias, eh. Well, they were best friends and all. Eh, um. Angst. So much angst that my MS Word is cutting itself now.

- Lady Harken (August, 2005)