The room was dark, but Kazuki didn't need light. With his eyesight fading, he could only see in places with lots of light, and the artificial lights of Alvis often weren't enough. It didn't matter either way - he'd been in the room enough times to know where everything was.

He suspected he was the only one to enter the room these days - for a reason, of course, since with Soushi gone, nobody had any reason to visit the room. The Alvis lock system recognized Kazuki as someone with access to the room, though. Soushi had made it so back in the day, he knew, not that there had been much reason for it since every time he had been here, Soushi had been present.

With Soushi gone, Kazuki technically didn't have any more reason to visit the room than anyone else did, but he had come here a few times, just to quietly sit on the sofa for a little while. Sometimes he, through their crossing, talked to Soushi while sitting here, and sometimes, he just stood by the door for a while, feeling comfort in the familiarity of the atmosphere.

Another two steps forward; even without seeing anything, he knew where he was. On his left side, there was the sofa and the table, and he circled around it to get past it. To the right from where he stopped was Soushi's bed; in front of him, the chair and the desk. There was a picture on the wall, a picture of the island that made Kazuki smile a little. He was fairly certain Soushi had gotten that second picture just because he had pointed out, on his first visit to this room, that there was only one picture. Said original picture was now framed and on the desk, and Kazuki reached forward, his fingers meeting the edge of the desk. He moved slightly closer, and his fingers came across the frame. He didn't need to see to remember the picture, when he could clearly remember the faces of everyone in the photo, and he could remember how Soushi had looked back then.

He felt tired, and he moved closer to the chair then sat down, brushing his fingers over the desktop before he turned the chair to face the bed. Soushi's bed. He had slept in this room a several times back in the day - well, not just slept, he admitted, a sad smile touching his lips. Other things had happened in that bed, but he had also slept here, curled up next to Soushi. He missed those nights now; missed the warmth of Soushi's body next to his own.

Reaching forward, he traced the edge of the bed with this fingertips, feeling the sheets under his hand. A familiar touch, he thought, then sighed and got up, moving over to the bed. It wasn't like anyone would care if he lay down here for a moment, and nobody would've cared if he had fallen asleep here, although he wasn't about to do that. He just wished to rest for a while, in this familiar room that made him feel comforted.

Lying down in the darkness of the room brought him little comfort right now, though, as he found himself remembering what it felt like to have Soushi's arms around him while lying in this bed. He closed his eyes and idly drew his left hand over part where the bed met the wall.

His hand came across something, and he stopped, opening his eyes as he moved his fingers back a little then tugged the item a little to pull it free where it was stuck between the bed and the wall. It was a scarf; one of the Alvis uniform ones, Kazuki judged from the texture of the fabric as he held it. Soushi must've misplaced it or forgotten about it; then again, it wasn't like anyone would've moved anything in the room ever since Soushi had left.

More unconsciously than anything, he raised his hand holding the scarf to his face, and he blinked, his eyes widening as he caught himself doing so. The scarf still held Soushi's scent, and it was so clear that it made Kazuki gasp for breath. If the thing had been lying here forgotten for over a year, the scent shouldn't have been this strong, Kazuki thought - but perhaps it was the combination of his loss of sight strengthening his other senses and his mind missing Soushi so much that did this to him. The room in general had that faint scent of Soushi once living here, but this piece of cloth held that familiar scent so strong that Kazuki found himself intoxicated by it.

The lingering scent had an unfortunately effect on his body, he realized as he held he scarf against his face. He needed to put it away and needed to leave the room, but he found himself unable to move. It had been too long; too long since Soushi had been here, his naked body against Kazuki's, and he stuck his hand down to his crotch and undid his pants.

No, he mentally told himself. I can't. Not here!

His own body wasn't listening to him at all. With his left hand, he pressed the scarf against his face, drowning in Soushi's scent. He pushed his pants out of the way, down to his thighs, and tugged his underwear down as well. What he needed was Soushi - he needed Soushi's touch so badly, and he clenched his teeth and forced back his tears from the plain knowledge Soushi wasn't here.

I can't do this. I can't, not... Not in Soushi's room. Not in Soushi's bed! Kazuki repeated that line of denial in his mind, even as he wrapped his fingers around his hard-on, starting to stroke himself. His body twitched under the touch; it felt so hot, so intense, and Soushi's scent on the scarf had far overtaken his senses. It almost hurt, but he needed it so much.

"Ah... Ghh... Sou...shi..." He caught himself saying that aloud and bit his lip in hopes of keeping quiet. He ran his fingertips over the texture of the scarf, gently rubbing it against his cheek even as he felt tears in his eyes. His feelings were a complete mess, and he fought to calm himself but failed miserably as his body just felt hot. He moved his right hand to pull his shirt up, hoping the bare skin would cool him down even a little. That done, he returned his hand where it had been, brushing his fingers over his erection and resuming stroking himself.

It felt so good, and the scarf which he held against his teary face was bringing back so many memories at once. Memories of Soushi's touch, Soushi's hands on his body, caressing his skin and bringing him to climax, so many times. He pressed his hips against his touch, the pace of his strokes intensifying, and his body ached for a release already. It had been so long...

He gritted his teeth and pulled his hand away, turned to his side and curled up, sobbing quietly. In the end, he couldn't do it; as much as he needed it, a remnant of that side of him that said he needed to deny himself still existed, and he couldn't allow himself this; not here, where everything reminded him of Soushi.

"Kazuki. Why did you stop?"

The familiar voice made Kazuki snap out of his haze and open his eyes to stare at the direction of the chair next to the bed, only to realize Soushi sat in it. Well, not actually Soushi himself, he knew that much, but the image of Soushi's crossing form which only he could see. "It's obvious that you need it," Soushi continued. "So why not take care of it?" He folded his arms and raised his right leg over his left, then gave Kazuki a meaningful smile. "It wouldn't be the first time I watch you, either."

"Soushi..." Kazuki took a few deep breaths, trying to focus. He blinked and stared at the image of Soushi, which wasn't actually even there, he knew. The image was formed directly in his brain by the constant crossing he had with Soushi. "How come... You're..."

"Isn't it obvious?" Soushi questioned. "You called me. You need me."

Kazuki struggled to regain control of himself. "I... Didn't..." He muttered, but trailed off. He had, in the end, called Soushi's name. "...Why did you ask why I stopped, anyway?" He quietly asked. Technically he didn't need to speak for Soushi to hear him, but it was more of a habit than anything. "You're crossed with me. Don't you know why?"

"Part self-denial, part feeling horrible about doing it in my bed, and part feeling that you don't deserve it," Soushi bluntly stated. Kazuki stared at the image of Soushi, who shrugged and leaned closer. "What?" Soushi inquired. "If you really must have me state the reasons, there you have it. I'm here now, though, and I'm telling you to take care of it." He lowered his head a little and closed his eyes. "Kazuki. I'm sorry for not being here for you." There was a hint of regret in those words, and sadness in Soushi's eyes as he looked at Kazuki again.

"This..." Kazuki took a deep breath. "Isn't your fault. I..." He reached his hand to where Soushi sat, knowing he couldn't touch the crossed image, but it brought him some feeling of ease just to know Soushi was there. He closed his eyes for a moment then looked at Soushi again. "What should I do?"

A hint of a smirk touched Soushi's lips. "First of all, get up." As Kazuki gave him a questioning look, Soushi nodded towards the desk. "Second drawer. You know I what I keep there." Kazuki moved closer and reached for the drawer, opening it a little, although he had to move the chair slightly out of way. The crossed form of Soushi didn't mind, at least, and Kazuki picked up the bottle of lubricant and a box of tissues from that drawer.

"Is this what you want me to take?" He held the items up for Soushi to see, realizing it was a somewhat silly thing to do, since Soushi knew he had the things just fine. Soushi nodded his approval, at least, and Kazuki moved back to the bed, picking up the blanket that had been lying there. He felt himself blushing as he removed his pants properly, then just took off his shirt as well, dropping the garments next to the bed and covering himself with the blanket. "...Now what?"

Soushi's crossed form stood up and stepped closer then lay down next to him. "I'm here now, so it's fine, isn't it?" He said, drawing his fingertips over Kazuki's face. The touch wasn't there, Kazuki knew, but perhaps he missed Soushi's touch so desperately that he could, on some level, feel it. Perhaps it was that just his body wanted to feel it and his brain made up the illusion that Soushi really did touch him, but he didn't care, not as long as Soushi was with him.

"Use some lubricant," Soushi instructed, placing his hand over Kazuki's. "It'll feel better that way. And make sure you have a tissue available to not make a mess of the sheets." Kazuki nodded slightly and stuck a few tissues under the blanket, then added some of the lubricant on his fingers and stuck his hand back to where it had been. "There's no need to feel guilty about this," Soushi whispered. "I'm right here. This is me." Kazuki could almost feel Soushi's hand over his own, urging him to carry on, and he wrapped his fingers around his erection, a gasp escaping his lips as he did.

Steady strokes; vary the pressure just a little, Soushi had taught him. He raised his free hand and reached to pick up the scarf again, and Soushi smiled at that. "So that's where that went," he noted. "I think I misplaced one of those. So it was in my room all along." He leaned closer, brushing his lips over Kazuki's. "You should keep it," he whispered.

"I... Can't just..." Kazuki muttered. He found himself unable to speak more, though; Soushi's presence felt so clear, and the fact that the scarf was there, filling his senses with Soushi's scent just made it more real.

"Then leave it here," Soushi replied. "You can come here if you ever need a moment of privacy, and I can be here, like this." He drew his fingertips over Kazuki's face then down his body, and Kazuki shivered under the touch. Whether or not it was all in his mind didn't matter at this point. He could swear he felt Soushi's body next his, could feel his breath against his skin, and could feel his hand over his own, moving his fingers slightly, adding pressure to Kazuki's own strokes.

With the denial out of the way, his body was too happy to react to the slightest touch. Too hot, and he needed it so much; that imaginary feeling of Soushi's fingers pressed over his own and Soushi's lips meeting his. His breathing turned ragged, and his focus faltered. Keeping the strokes steady was difficult, but Soushi's hand guided his, and he kept at it.

"My room was always that one place you were fine with," Soushi quietly said. "So it needs to be here..." He covered Kazuki's lips with his own, and Kazuki found himself out of breath for a second. If this meant he was crazy, he wasn't going to care when he could feel Soushi's body so close to his own. He had what he had so desperately wanted, right here, for a fleeting moment. If a fleeting moment was all he had, he was going to cherish that moment.

His body wasn't going to take it for too long, though. "A...ah, Soushi... Soushi...!" He barely got the tissues in the way before he came, and with the orgasm came a moment of blanking out, and all he could feel was Soushi's embrace.

He opened his eyes after a while, the reality of where he was hitting him, and he quickly cleaned himself a little. "All done, so planning on getting up and going home, leaving your lover alone here?" Soushi's voice asked, and Kazuki glanced to his side, realizing the crossed form was still there. "Stay," Soushi said with a smile.

"I... Soushi..." Kazuki muttered. He felt tired, admittedly, and just pressing his head against Soushi's pillow, with the scarf on the side made him feel comfortable. Besides, this was what Soushi wanted.

"It's fine," Soushi whispered. "Just go to sleep, Kazuki. I'll be here and I'll watch you until you fall asleep." Kazuki nodded and drew the blanket over his shoulders. He fought to suppress a yawn but failed, realizing he was just too tired at this point. The crossed form of Soushi wrapped his arms around him, and Kazuki closed his eyes, content. "I'll come back to where you are," Soushi promised. "I swear."

Kazuki relaxed, feeling how the exhaustion was taking over. "I'll wait for you," he quietly replied. "Forever." Their usual promise it might've been, but it held true, and he smiled as he drifted off to sleep.

Author's notes:

Poor angsty Kazuki. At least Soushi's there... kinda? Kinda! Post DA pre H&E setting, obviously, with Soushi gone but the crossing being there. Started this maybe August 2015 but didn't finish until recently. Also I think this was partially Mayuiki's fault.

- Lady Harken (January 2016)