It had been a few days now, but Kain found sleeping to be impossible without dreams about what had happened. He lay awake in the strange bed in the Lunar Whale and stared at the ceiling. Everyone else seemed to be sleeping peacefully, but although resting here restored his energy, he didn't dare to close his eyes. If he did, the dreams would return.

The strange ship they were in made a low humming sound that was at the same time peaceful and scary, as Kain was quite aware that the technology used to make the ship was far more advanced than what the Baronians used for their ships. He grew tired of just lying still and listening after a while - how long, he didn't know, and got out of the bed. He glanced around the room, just to check that his companions were asleep, and he then sneaked out of there, to the main control room of the ship.

He sat on the stairs leading to the large crystal in the control room and stretched his arms a little. Although the beds in this strange ship refreshed his body, he felt mentally exhausted. He told himself that it would get better; they would defeat Zemus, and then they would go home and live peacefully. Golbez... Golbez wasn't responsible for what had happened. Things would be all right after this.

Kain shook his head. Things would be all right later, but right now, he couldn't forget. Golbez's hands on his body, the knight's voice whispering, "You're mine, Kain." Some of it could be blamed on the mind control, but some of it... He didn't know anymore. He had been controlled, but there had been some part of him that had agreed to it. He had to admit he had liked it.

"Cecil..." He mumbled, knowing all too well that Cecil had been one of the reasons it had happened. Golbez had reminded him of Cecil, actually - it was too bad it wasn't until now that Kain had actually learned why.

He lowered his head, burying his face in his hands. It was cruel to think about it, but the thoughts didn't leave him alone. Cheating on his loved ones, with Cecil's brother? Kain bit his lip, angry at himself. He couldn't afford doing this to himself; not now that everything was at stake and Zemus had to be defeated, but he couldn't just sleep and pretend nothing was wrong. Besides, the dreams would have reminded him anyway.

The dreams... Dreams about how Golbez held him, caressed his body and touched him. The mind control made him unable to even try to resist, and he knew he wouldn't have resisted anyway. Golbez's hands were skilled, fondling his skin and preparing him. The black knight's hands then wrapped around him as Golbez pressed closer, entering him...

Kain raised his head abruptly, cursing himself in his mind for letting his thoughts wander like that. The dreams were bad enough; he didn't need a reminder when he was awake. He shook his head then, figuring that being in denial just made things worse. He would still have preferred to get it out of his mind until it was over, and they could take their time to lament the past.

"Why, Golbez?" He whispered, staring at the floor. The black knight had said several times that he was beautiful, and that one word kept haunting him; mine. Kain wondered what Golbez would have thought if he had known about what past relationships Kain had had. He had never said anything; he had been under the mind control, and he wondered if Golbez remembered much either, now that he was free. He just couldn't help but to wonder what Golbez would have thought if he had known that Kain had previously slept with Golbez's brother.

"Kain?" The familiar voice startled him, and he looked at the door, trying to control himself. For a fleeting moment, he saw Golbez standing there, although he knew who it really was.

The other man came closer, a worried look on his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Cecil apologized, then looked at his friend's face. "Kain, what's wrong? You don't look too well."

"I'm fine," the dragoon lied quickly, not wanting to make Cecil worried. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

"You don't look okay," Cecil told his friend. "You're pale, like you've seen a ghost. Is that..." The paladin paused, then sighed. "It's still bothering you how you were controlled and fought against us, isn't it? I know you better than that. You know nobody's blaming you."

Kain shook his head. "It's not that," he replied, truthfully this time. "I was just thinking..." He trailed off, wondering what exactly he should tell Cecil. Lying wouldn't get him anywhere. "About some things he did. Evil things. I did a lot too. No, don't start," he added before the paladin started telling him again it wasn't fault. "I was under Golbez's control, I know, but it's not like everything I did was because of the mind control."

The other man settled to nodding, understanding what Kain was referring to. "You know nobody's still blaming you for that. We both... Rosa..."

"I know. Not just Rosa, you too. I-" Kain bit his lip. He didn't want to talk about it, but he trusted Cecil, and it wouldn't do him any good to keep it to himself, else it could come in the way as a weakness later. They couldn't afford that now. "I cheated on you both."

Cecil stared at his friend, somewhat confused look on his face. "Cheated how? Kain, the betrayal, the things you did were-"

"I slept with Golbez," the dragoon cut in. He didn't say more and just studied his friend, wondering how Cecil would take it. He felt guilty for making Cecil go thought with this, since it was surely enough to know that Golbez was his brother in the first place, but Kain couldn't just keep it to himself, as much as he wanted to.

Cecil blinked then just stared back at his friend, his lips parting as if he was trying to say something but couldn't find the words. A moment passed in silence then Kain lowered his gaze. "Cecil, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"He... You were at least voluntary, weren't you?" Cecil asked quietly. "If he forced you, I could never-" He paused as Kain shook his head. "But even still, the mind control..."

"Don't worry about it. I knew what was happening and knew what he was doing. I was mind-controlled, but even if I had not been, I doubt I would have resisted. Besides," the dragoon added. "He was... pretty good at it." Kain smiled a little, raising his head to look at Cecil again. "The idea of it happening bothers me anyway and that's why I can't sleep. But had I known he was really..." He trailed of, figuring it wasn't exactly Cecil's favorite conversation subject at the moment. "Really, I'm sorry."

The paladin lowered his face, but then shook his head and looked back at the other man. "Don't apologize. You had no control over it. Even if you were conscious of what was happening, I don't blame you. And," he added. "I'm sure Rosa doesn't, either. We'll settle everything after this is over, so stop blaming yourself for everything. It's all Zemus' doing in the end."

"If you say so," Kain replied. "But you're talking just as a... friend. Or comrade in arms."

Cecil smiled a little. "I assure you it's the same on personal level. Do you really think my feelings for you would be that shallow? No, Kain. I mean every word." He stepped closer and raised his hand, touching the dragoon's face gently. "And when this is over... I'll prove it to you. I'll talk to Rosa, too. Don't you trust your best friends anymore?" He kissed Kain shortly on the lips, then looked into his eyes. "Well?"

"I..." Kain looked back at his friend. He didn't expect it to be that easy, and he knew he would still have to do his amends, but he felt at least a little easier now. "All right. Promise?"

Cecil nodded, offering his hand to help his friend up. The dragoon took it and followed the paladin back to the strange resting room. He wasn't sure that the dreams would go away, but he hoped it would at least be Cecil he saw the next time he closed his eyes and drifted into the dream again.

Author's notes:

FFIV is a great game and there needs to be more yaoi fics about it. Yeah.

- Lady Harken (August, 2006)