The sun was setting. The last sunbeams colored the sky bright red, while the east horizon was already darkening, with a couple of stars visible on the dark blue sky.

Grenseal sat on the rail of the beautiful roof garden of Toran Castle. He looked at the sunset, then turned to see the stars. He had been sitting there for hours now, trying to get his thoughts together. After all those long hours he had spent here, he still couldn't do it. His mind was unfocused and wandering.

All this because earlier today, all the Stars of Destiny had gathered in the Great Hall. The last battle was ahead of them, and Lord McDohl had wanted to say something... Then Lady Leknaat had appeared. She was pleased to see the 108 Stars of Destiny...

108 Stars. Viktor had pointed out that one was missing. Grenseal's heart had ached when he had heard that, but he had not said anything. The one missing was the one he had loved; unfortunately, it was also the one who had given his life to protect his master. Gremio.

And using the power of the other Stars of Destiny, and her Gate rune, Lady Leknaat had called Gremio back from the dead.

Grenseal had felt dizzy. His knees had been about to give up when he had seen the blond. With the last of his strength, he had kept himself together, refusing to let anything show from his face or body, even though he had been trembling. He had just stood there, using all his energy to hold back the tears and to keep himself from forcing his way through the people, to hold his lover in his arms and to never let go.

He had wanted to cry, but he just couldn't.

The young leader of the Liberation army had not hidden his tears of joy. He had clung to the manservant, acting more like a boy of his age, not like the leader that he was. There had been a commotion, and the two knights had left as soon as the meeting was over.

I'm going to the garden on the roof, he had told Alen when they had gotten out of the room. I need to think... I need some quiet place where I can gather my thoughts.

The dark-haired swordsman had looked a bit worried, but had not said anything. Alen knew better than that. The older knight could guess that his friend needed to sort out the things in his mind.

Grenseal had wanted to tell him that if Gremio would ask for him, he would be waiting... But he hadn't been able to say it. Why would Gremio ask for him? The manservant needed time. Time to realize what had happened. If this was true.

The garden was peaceful, although many people used to sit here during the day. Now it was empty. Now the garden was resting in silence, and that stillness was slowly beginning to help him to get his mind back on track.

What he had seen... It felt like a dream. He was mostly sure that this was a dream. A beautiful dream that would turn into a nightmare when he'd wake up. A dream. If this wasn't a dream, then what was it?

A miracle. That's what it was, and he had seen it with his own eyes. But it was too hard to believe... after all those dreams he had seen. Dreams about his lover. In those dreams, they were together and nothing in the world could ever separate them. But each time he had awakened. Each time, the dream had made him want to die, because he knew he was alone and would never see Gremio again.

This was just another dream. Every second that passed tortured his pained heart and his empty soul. And yet...

"Oh gods..." he whispered. "I don't care about the pain... just don't let me wake up."

He glanced at his hands. They were hurting; he had made small cuts on both palms, just to see if he could feel pain. His hands weren't bleeding anymore, but they still hurt. He couldn't care less. As long as it did hurt... there was a possibility that he wasn't dreaming.

He wanted to see the manservant. To hold him close... But then again, Gremio didn't even know that his lover was here.

"Gremio... If you knew I was here, would you ask for me? Would you come to see me...?" he asked the darkness. No... Gremio would have a lot of other things to care about. Like the Young Master, the young army leader who had not been afraid to shed tears in front of everyone.

Unlike Grenseal.

But now, he couldn't keep the tears from falling. Not this time. He never allowed himself to cry, which led to the fact that he cried in his sleep. Alen had woken up several times because of this, but he didn't force his friend to talk about it. He knew that Grenseal didn't want to.

The dark-blond knight had never forgotten Gremio. When the young McDohl had turned out to be a rebel and the new leader of the Liberation Army, he had known that the manservant was with the boy, but he had never said a word to anyone. They had both always been duty-bound, always putting their work before personal feelings.

Only gods knew how he regretted it. If he had known about the pain that would follow from being away from the one he loved - and then losing him - he might have made a different choice.

Wish I could have known...

That's what he wished, although he knew that there was no way he could've known what would happen. Not only had he lost Gremio, he had also lost the man he had served for years. General Teo McDohl was also dead.

Grenseal hadn't even known about Gremio's death before General Teo met his destiny. When the two knights had joined the Liberation Army according to their liege's last wishes, he had asked for the manservant... Only to hear that he was gone.

Days had turned into weeks, and those weeks into months, but the pain stayed. And he feared it would never leave him alone. He knew he would never stop loving the beautiful blond, and he knew he would never find anyone else like Gremio. And he also knew that the manservant was gone, and those who have died are gone forever.

But what was this, then? What had he witnessed earlier today?

"Please, oh please... Never let me wake up from this cruel dream," he pleaded the stars, sobbing silently. "Let me stay here for eternity, just because... He's here."

Was this just a dream? Grenseal couldn't tell. His hands were aching, and that told him that he was awake, but somehow, all that had happened just made him believe he was dreaming. One of those dreams where he was together with his lover.

But as unreal as this was, he knew it couldn't be a dream.

But if Gremio was alive... Did he remember? Was it still the same Gremio he had known, or had he changed? Had he forgotten the past?

"It doesn't matter..." he whispered. Then he raised his head, wiped away the tears and looked at the full moon. The silver light made the water down below glitter.

"If..." he started, staring at the bring moon. "If he doesn't remember, please... Never let me lose control of myself. I love him. I would only cause him pain if I told him what he couldn't remember. That he's truly alive... That's all I could ever ask for. To see his face one more time, to hear his voice... That's what I asked from you when I lost him. So please..." his voice trailed off.

My only sin was that I didn't love you enough, Gremio. Because if I had, none of this would ever have happened.

He closed his eyes. He knew very well that it was a lie; he had loved the blond more than anything. And even if he had been here with Gremio, would he have been able to prevent things from happening? If not, he would've just hated himself more.

In the end, why was he blaming himself now? Dream or not, the blond was alive. A miracle had brought him back to life. His loved one was alive, and no one was to blame anymore.

But if it is so...

"Isn't this supposed to end happily, then!?" he cried out, clenching his hands into fists and looking up to the dark sky, his eyes full of accusations. "Why do you still torture me like this!!"

He stood up, frustrated. He kicked a few small stones, then picked them up and threw them to the water. He cried, tears burning his eyes so that he could barely see. He fell down to his knees, grabbed a small, fragile flower that grew beside him, and was about to crush it.

But he couldn't. Instead, he lifted his face and looked at it.

Only then he noticed a figure near the bushes just a few feet away from him. The figure, glad in a dark cape, had a long light golden hair that shined dimly in the moonlight.

And the eyes that could barely be seen were full of tears, and from those green eyes Grenseal could see that their owner only longed for the touch of someone he had thought he'd lost.

Author's notes:

Okay, so that was totally weird. Paranoid Gren. But the fic has a happy ending!

Well. I would like to thank littlemaiko here - the title was one of her suggestions. Arigatou, Maiko-sensei.

- Elmina (October, 2001)